Price: $0.34 per pill
Rich people have very difficult lives. They are constantly anxious over when the Bentley will be carjacked, whether the maid is stealing silverware, if there will be enough caviar when Chas Underwood III visits and are they appropriately hedged against Yen exposure in their rapidly appreciating stock portfolios. If you aren’t shouldering upper class burdens but seek to befriend the rich, you must understand the desire…no, the necessity of a pharmaceutical approach to ridding one’s life of stress and strain.
Fortunately, Dr. Leo Sternbach and the good men and women of Hoffman-La Roche had the wherewithal to synthesize Diazepam in 1960 and help even the most troubled socialite to medicate their problems away. Marketed as Valium, Diazepam rapidly became the most prescribed drug in the United States between 1963 and 1982 with sales topping 2.3 billion tablets in 1978! Most commonly prescribed to treat anxiety, it is also used for insomnia, agitation, alcohol withdrawal and sedation. The availability of Valium makes it socially acceptable but as with all drugs, it should never be taken without consulting a medical professional as it is highly addictive and overdoses can be fatal.
Available as a blue or yellow pill and famously referenced as ‘Mother’s Little Helper’ by the Rolling Stones, Valium is a staple for the rich but beware. Mr. Howard Hughes developed a severe addiction and his post-mortem toxicology report revealed high dosages of Valium and codeine. Fortunately, the less-reclusive rich have access to doctors at nearly every country club function to ensure that they are well sedated in a safe manner with only mild dangers of long-term addiction. Side effects may include confusion, fever, chills, drowsiness, slurred speech, diminished libido, and nausea. A final side effect, if the wealthy seem terribly uptight and massively constipated, this may simply be intemperate reliance on Valium. Of course, they may actually be arrogant bastards.