Archive for April, 2010

#86 - Suspenders

#86 – Suspenders

Price: Chafed Nipples

There are two types of people in the world, those that wear suspenders and those that do not. In the former group there are two types of people, rich men and everyone else. While everyone else is quite broad it includes notable and questionably valuable members of society like clowns, satirical television characters and pseudo tycoons that hope the powers that be mistake them as well bred. This group also includes adorable old men but they are exempt from public scrutiny, a benefit of respecting one’s elders. The considerably smaller group of men that rely on clips to hold their trousers in place do so for one important reason; linking thumbs through these elasticized accessories conveys a sense of unquestionable wisdom, a direct yet subconscious connection to President Roosevelt, thereby solidifying one’s alpha dominance in a room full of everyone else.

If you are like 95% of men, suspenders aren’t your cup of tea and you think that they represent arrogant money grubbers that care more about their Rolls Royce than their personal chef’s welfare. If you are in the 5% of arrogant money grubbers that wear suspenders, you could care less what the 95% think, hope that they stay the hell away from your Rolls Royce, wonder what your chef is preparing for dinner and believe that Michael Douglas was a “real pussy” in the film Wall Street. There are of course exceptions to the stereotypical hard-nosed businessman in suspenders; there are hard-nosed news anchors that make their interviewee weep, hard-nosed MI6 double-O agents that are licensed to kill, there is even a band named Satan Wears Suspenders and of course your grandfather who remains adorable in his suspenders.

The burning question is how can suspenders help you? As mentioned, unless you are in the 5% and a notably wealthy individual you will fall into the category of pseudo tycoon desperately trying to fit in also known as the brown-nosing pain in the ass. Adopting this transparent ruse will likely have a negative impact on your career, destroy your personal life and most importantly eliminate what is left of your sex life as the former crumble. Instead there are three things you can do to elevate yourself in the presence of the suspenderati. First, never snap the suspenders that your boss wears, that their boss wears or those worn by important clients that visit the office. This will inevitably lead to a stint counting ball bearings in a city that Detroit natives wouldn’t relocate to. Second, make a point of snapping the suspenders of those in your peer group at work to expose them as ass-kissing sycophants. This will make you popular with your co-workers and unpopular with the ass-kissers. Finally, sarcastically yet vigilantly refer to your bootlicking, suspender clad co-worker as Thurston and ensure that all other co-workers know this refers to the British manufacturer that has outfitted kings, presidents, princes and film stars in suspenders since 1820. This bit of corporate frivolity will clean out the climbers and make for a better place to work. Like Gordon Gekko said and Sun-Tzu before him, “Every battle is won before it is ever fought” so snap to it.

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#85 - Enormous Fancy Hats

#85 - Enormous Fancy Hats

Enormous Fancy Hats
Price: Vitamin D Deficiency

Among the many things that rich people like to own, gigantic floppy hats are among the most baffling. Unlike other fashionable accoutrements, intended to flatter a wealthy belle’s beauty, the hat hides rather than showcases the extensive plastic surgery that the trophy wife has undergone. In fact, when matched with the perfect pair of oversized Chanel sunglasses, one’s collagen-injected lips are hardly noticeable. So what’s the point? Why wear a hat with a two foot diameter laden with flowers large enough to make Keukenhof appear unimpressive? Simply put, just as a wealthy gentleman drives an Italian racecar to proclaim his manhood, women wear hats to trumpet their sense of fashion and signal that they are the alpha female in the group. The only way to remain queen bee among the swarming masses is to outdo one’s social circle by purchasing and bravely wearing larger and more ostentatious headpieces than the other ladies at the club.

It may appear that hat fashion ebbs and flows, but just because Aunt Sally didn’t wear her gigantic peacock feathered Easter hat for Sunday mass doesn’t mean that the cultural elite are taking their cue to pack away their hat boxes. In fact, the true barracudas of the runway have already been recounting to which event each woman in her social network wore which hat. After creating a complex social matrix where hats and events are matched, the mad hatter will predict what the ladies will showcase this season and carefully select the latest and largest hats from small boutiques around the globe for her upcoming calendar. This ensures she will never be embarrassed by donning an Albertus Swanepoel from Barney’s during a weekend jaunt to the Hampton’s. Most women in NYC still recall the horror of seeing Mrs. Eleanor Thomas of the Upper East Side standing next to Ms. Mandy-Anne of Kansas wearing identical hats. Unfortunately for Mrs. Thomas she opted for wearing last season’s fashion and Mandy-Anne had just finished a day of shopping at Century 21. Thomas’ agoraphobic fate was sealed when innocent Mandy-Anne asked Eleanor “Did you buy yours on sale too?”

As always, what matters is how to use this to your advantage. Just as Keanu Reeves could not be unseated as “the one” during the 90’s, you should not strive to occupy the throne reserved for a hat aficionado. Instead, opt to go big but not enough that you will clash horns with Chiquita Banana. Flattery will get you everywhere with the Queen Bee and while no less that 24 inches of couture circumference means you won’t recognize her, you will nonetheless be able to pick out her horn of plenty in any crowd. A well placed compliment on her style will go far but delivery is paramount. When approaching, keep your eyes averted and never look her directly in the eye. She will recognize this as respect and allow you to proceed. Next, let her know you love her style. Never tell her you could not wear such a beautiful hat as she already believes that to be true and by stating it you are implying that you think you could be in the same league as her. Instead, let her know that it is the perfect hat for her. She will recognize that you accept her as the alpha female and may at this point compliment your hat. A polite thank-you will suffice and you should offer to fetch her champagne or Iranian caviar to show your gratitude. If she accepts you are part of her entourage. Finally, never make reference to Dr. Seuss or Alice in Wonderland in her presence, she will take it as a personal slight and you will feel her social wrath. Remember, hell hath seen no fury like a woman scorned.

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