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Archive for September, 2010

#89 - Cufflinks

#89 - Cufflinks

Cufflinks
Price: Accepting the French

In the immortal words of Little Orphan Annie, “you are never fully dressed without a smile”. This whimsical idea may apply to the vast majority of pencil pushing middle managers trying to keep their head above water in spite of a partner that believes shopping at the newly opened Crate & Barrel is akin to the second coming of Jesus. This little cliché certainly does not apply to the proverbial upper crust. While custom tailored shirts are a staple of any well-to-do wardrobe, they hardly provide the opportunity to flex one’s personality and showcase their avant-garde sense of fashion. Enter the French cuff and Louis XIV’s fashion forward gift to the world, gilded studs called cufflinks.

To the everyday man and woman who feel that Starbucks charging $1.50 for a cup of Joe is unconstitutional the idea of spending hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, on two chunks of semi-precious metal in place of a twelve cent button must seem certifiably ridiculous. It is this difference in the classes that keeps Pabst and Camaros popular in trailer parks and cufflinks in vogue on the Upper East Side of New York. Naturally, throwing on any old piece of kitschy jewelry won’t cut it at the club. While your groomsmen, who believe white socks and tuxedos go together like fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, will commend you on your compass with built-in thermometer or roulette table cufflinks, you have a better chance of catching Dora the Explorer in Playboy than seeing Gordon Gekko adopting your mischievous sense of fashion or glimpsing Bruce Wayne sporting batman logo cufflinks. Instead, rich people opt for subtle designs that reflect their personal interests. This may be collecting impressionist art, classic cars or a layman’s interest in Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations and its influence on the credit default swap crisis of 2008.

If you don’t feel a burning desire to retire your dress shirts and adopt French cuffs throughout your wardrobe, fear not! There are two things to remember when befriending the wealthy; as any first year associate on Wall Street quickly learns rich people don’t like when common folk wear cufflinks and complimenting a rich person’s sense of fashion is substantially less expense than dressing like them. While wearing cufflinks will not ingratiate you, asking leading questions will. The trick to making friends with the rich is to walk the fine line between ass kissing and cerebral flattery. For example, telling a wealthy man or woman that their cufflinks are really impressive is blatant brown nosing. Asking if their sense of fashion enhances their success or if their success enhances their stylish appearance is the fast track to gaining the respect of the rich. So next time you button-up before work, think about those inconspicuous pieces of cuff candy and consider how they could enhance your own life.

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#88 - Producing Movies

#88 - Producing Movies

Producing Movies
Price: Casting Couch and A Wallet 

Most people are familiar with the phrase, “those who can, do; those who can’t, teach”. I’m not saying I agree with this adage but I am confident that my woodworking teacher’s seven fingers didn’t improve his street cred. While working for NASA is an unlikely endgame for a high school physics teacher, rich people see no reason to thwart their ambition over something trivial like talent, skill and experience. It is this eccentric quirk that makes the world of Hollywood turn and ensures that even the very worst scripts can still make it to the silver screen thanks to a terrifically uninformed bankroll. Meet the Executive Producer.  

The Executive Producer plays a critical role in every film; provide financial backing and stay out of the way of people who claim to know what they are doing. It is easy to assume that these captains of industry, having made their fortunes in gold mines, oil wells, shipping or real estate, are interested in further padding their Swiss bank accounts with the next Avatar, Toy Story 3 or Inception. Au contraire reader, becoming an Executive Producer is the proverbial golden ticket that rich people need to pull back the curtain and gain access to Hollywood’s red carpet; think Christina Hendricks, Isla Fisher and Jayma Mays. In Los Angeles’ film circles there is only one rule; the bigger the bankroll, the bigger the celebrity. It is this simple rule that attracts the modern day robber barons to sink their millions into terrible scripts written by “starving artists” and directed by “tortured souls”. In exchange, they all but guarantee themselves discussions on method acting with George Clooney, cinematography lessons from Scorsese and a performance by Justin Bieber at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. In many cases profitability is an afterthought and a pleasant surprise.  

While spending millions to be on-set at Hollywood’s next box office bust may seem excessive to the average autograph hound, rich people have an innate knack for justifying almost any financial failure; the tax-loss carry forward. This little taxation trickster is the fix-all for blowing their wad on a film that will quickly pass from theater to distant memory without a hint of embarrassment on the part of the producer. Losing an eight figure investment not only appears acceptable within their social circle, it actually makes rich people seem quite savvy! This “win-win” situation means rubbing shoulders with Brangelina, a significant tax write-off and the opportunity to talk like a Hollywood insider. Oh, and for the trust fund hipsters, a well stocked casting couch is a significant perk because while you can’t buy happiness, money lets you choose your misery. 

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