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#91 – Fine Wine

Posted in Drink, Food & Drink, Luxury, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2012| 14 Comments »

#91 - Fine Wine

#91 - Fine Wine

Fine Wine
Price: French Lessons

One of life’s great joys when you are “comfortable” is being able to distinguish upon which side of the hill grapes were grown, weather patterns that summer and on which day they were picked by delicately inhaling. Bonus points to those who can name a delightful boulangerie, a five-star hotel and a helipad within a five mile radius of the vineyard. Few topics can enthrall the wealthy the way that debating the finer points of a vintage Chateau Lafite can but be warned, there’s hardly any point to speaking about a bottle corked more recently than the Reagan administration.

Taking a stroll through your local gas bar could lead you to believe that all good wines come in a box or have catchy names like Night Raider, Fat Bastard or Naked Grape. You would be mistaken. Take a gander through the cellar of a connoisseur and you will discover that wines have unpronounceable names from places you’ve never traveled. This is all part of the charm of a great wine, the more obscure it is the more valuable it becomes to the truly rich. Wine is a game of one-upmanship where exclusivity and rarity are as important as an iron-clad prenup and a divorce lawyer with blood-drenched fangs. Naturally, one never admits to buying a bottle but refers to the cases secured at their favorite auction house.

Of course, the challenge as always, is to use your cursory knowledge as the bridge to gaining acceptance by the upper crust. While you would think that fitting in with a group of people that drink all evening would be a simple task, recall that like a first wife, one always spits and never swallows at a tasting so you will not be able to use inebriated-induced charm to win over your tannin swilling compatriots. As gaining superior vineyard knowledge requires time, money, patience and the equivalent of a PhD in meteorology, one must turn to collecting and innuendo to make nice. My best advice is to speak as though drinking your wine is beneath you and you are sure to turn heads. Remain vague and imply that it is crass to discuss the contents of your cellar. Furthermore, refer to cellars that you keep in various countries. Seek to illuminate your flock of oenophiles by imparting upon them the famous words of Lawrence Jamieson, that you collect wine to ensure it is properly cared for but that it is too valuable to drink and too dear to sell. While deep knowledge of tasting notes is impressive, your mystery and aloofness could make you the most sought after vintage in the manor.

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#90 – Sailing

Posted in Boats, Cars, Boats and Miscellaneous, Leisure & Vacation, Lifestyle, Luxury, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2010| 1 Comment »

#90 - Sailing

#90 - Sailing

Sailing
Price: Chapped Lips & Wind Blown Hair

If you think a sloop is a rapper, feel ketch is played with a baseball and glove and believe that yawl is a greeting in the southern American states you are likely not rubbing shoulders with the Rockefellers. If however, you are unfamiliar with rap music, believe that ballpark franks are uncivilized and refuse to associate with Confederate sympathizers, you already know that standing topside in Chesapeake Bay is the perfect summer pastime. If you lean more to the latter than the former you are aware that sailing is among the stuff that rich people love

While port, starboard, stern and bow make the average person’s head spin, these are among the first words out of a trust fund baby’s mouth once the proverbial silver spoon is removed. Rich people that do not learn to sail are as out of place as an Amish couple at a swinger’s party or a West Virginian at a wedding where the bride and groom are not related, it’s awkward for everybody. That said these social anomalies are few and far between. Just as every working class American should have a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage, the rich will continue to have a blue water cruiser in every bay and a mooring ball in every harbor. More important, to the rich, than actually sailing their luxury yacht is ensuring that they have the most conspicuous slip at the marina. There is hardly any point in commissioning an 89 foot Oyster yacht if nobody knows it is yours. While size is important, sailing ships are one of the few places that a sense of humor is acceptable in wealthy circles. Witty monikers like Alimony, TARP, and Golden Parachute all convey a playfulness that only money can buy.

The question, as always, is how can sailing help you to befriend the fabulously wealthy without becoming their indentured servant dishing up caviar on the high seas while the aforementioned Alimony is heeling in 45 knot winds. While anyone with a PhD in English literature can land a crew job on a yacht off St. Maarten, it takes a special type of sycophant to ingratiate themselves and secure an aft berth on a month long cruise of the Mediterranean.  To start, learn a few key words like regatta, Maxi class and Top-Sider boat shoes. Next, learn how to tie a bowline, a cleat hitch and a reef knot and know when to use them. Finally, purchase a vintage copy of Slocum’s Sailing Alone Around The World. To bring it all together, plant yourself at the most Jimmy Buffettesque pub in the port reading this month’s copy of Yacht World circling classifieds larger than 45 feet. In no time, you’ll be talking about ports of call in the BVIs with an overweight boat owner wearing the latest Tommy Bahama linen pants and Helly Hansen waterproofs. Word of advice there’s no such thing as a starport jigpole!

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#89 – Cufflinks

Posted in Art, Fashion & Accessories, Jewellery, Lifestyle, Luxury, tagged , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2010| 1 Comment »

#89 - Cufflinks

#89 - Cufflinks

Cufflinks
Price: Accepting the French

In the immortal words of Little Orphan Annie, “you are never fully dressed without a smile”. This whimsical idea may apply to the vast majority of pencil pushing middle managers trying to keep their head above water in spite of a partner that believes shopping at the newly opened Crate & Barrel is akin to the second coming of Jesus. This little cliché certainly does not apply to the proverbial upper crust. While custom tailored shirts are a staple of any well-to-do wardrobe, they hardly provide the opportunity to flex one’s personality and showcase their avant-garde sense of fashion. Enter the French cuff and Louis XIV’s fashion forward gift to the world, gilded studs called cufflinks.

To the everyday man and woman who feel that Starbucks charging $1.50 for a cup of Joe is unconstitutional the idea of spending hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, on two chunks of semi-precious metal in place of a twelve cent button must seem certifiably ridiculous. It is this difference in the classes that keeps Pabst and Camaros popular in trailer parks and cufflinks in vogue on the Upper East Side of New York. Naturally, throwing on any old piece of kitschy jewelry won’t cut it at the club. While your groomsmen, who believe white socks and tuxedos go together like fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, will commend you on your compass with built-in thermometer or roulette table cufflinks, you have a better chance of catching Dora the Explorer in Playboy than seeing Gordon Gekko adopting your mischievous sense of fashion or glimpsing Bruce Wayne sporting batman logo cufflinks. Instead, rich people opt for subtle designs that reflect their personal interests. This may be collecting impressionist art, classic cars or a layman’s interest in Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations and its influence on the credit default swap crisis of 2008.

If you don’t feel a burning desire to retire your dress shirts and adopt French cuffs throughout your wardrobe, fear not! There are two things to remember when befriending the wealthy; as any first year associate on Wall Street quickly learns rich people don’t like when common folk wear cufflinks and complimenting a rich person’s sense of fashion is substantially less expense than dressing like them. While wearing cufflinks will not ingratiate you, asking leading questions will. The trick to making friends with the rich is to walk the fine line between ass kissing and cerebral flattery. For example, telling a wealthy man or woman that their cufflinks are really impressive is blatant brown nosing. Asking if their sense of fashion enhances their success or if their success enhances their stylish appearance is the fast track to gaining the respect of the rich. So next time you button-up before work, think about those inconspicuous pieces of cuff candy and consider how they could enhance your own life.

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#88 – Producing Movies

Posted in Art, Lifestyle, Luxury, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 7, 2010| Leave a Comment »

#88 - Producing Movies

#88 - Producing Movies

Producing Movies
Price: Casting Couch and A Wallet 

Most people are familiar with the phrase, “those who can, do; those who can’t, teach”. I’m not saying I agree with this adage but I am confident that my woodworking teacher’s seven fingers didn’t improve his street cred. While working for NASA is an unlikely endgame for a high school physics teacher, rich people see no reason to thwart their ambition over something trivial like talent, skill and experience. It is this eccentric quirk that makes the world of Hollywood turn and ensures that even the very worst scripts can still make it to the silver screen thanks to a terrifically uninformed bankroll. Meet the Executive Producer.  

The Executive Producer plays a critical role in every film; provide financial backing and stay out of the way of people who claim to know what they are doing. It is easy to assume that these captains of industry, having made their fortunes in gold mines, oil wells, shipping or real estate, are interested in further padding their Swiss bank accounts with the next Avatar, Toy Story 3 or Inception. Au contraire reader, becoming an Executive Producer is the proverbial golden ticket that rich people need to pull back the curtain and gain access to Hollywood’s red carpet; think Christina Hendricks, Isla Fisher and Jayma Mays. In Los Angeles’ film circles there is only one rule; the bigger the bankroll, the bigger the celebrity. It is this simple rule that attracts the modern day robber barons to sink their millions into terrible scripts written by “starving artists” and directed by “tortured souls”. In exchange, they all but guarantee themselves discussions on method acting with George Clooney, cinematography lessons from Scorsese and a performance by Justin Bieber at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. In many cases profitability is an afterthought and a pleasant surprise.  

While spending millions to be on-set at Hollywood’s next box office bust may seem excessive to the average autograph hound, rich people have an innate knack for justifying almost any financial failure; the tax-loss carry forward. This little taxation trickster is the fix-all for blowing their wad on a film that will quickly pass from theater to distant memory without a hint of embarrassment on the part of the producer. Losing an eight figure investment not only appears acceptable within their social circle, it actually makes rich people seem quite savvy! This “win-win” situation means rubbing shoulders with Brangelina, a significant tax write-off and the opportunity to talk like a Hollywood insider. Oh, and for the trust fund hipsters, a well stocked casting couch is a significant perk because while you can’t buy happiness, money lets you choose your misery. 

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#87 – Doormen

Posted in Food, Food & Drink, Lifestyle, Luxury, Personal Services, Real Estate, tagged , , , , , , on May 3, 2010| 5 Comments »

#87 - Doormen

#87 - Doormen

Doormen
Price: Confused By Push Signs

If you are like me you grew up in a city where people learned how to do things for themselves. In places like Winnipeg it means knowing how to dress for sub-zero temperatures throughout the year. Native Australians can protect themselves from kangaroos, great white sharks and hide their offspring from wily dingoes. Meanwhile, growing up in Mumbai teaches people to effectively operate a call center or program in C+ without the need to outsource this skill to other countries. The rich, unlike those without money, don’t take kindly to having to perform tasks themselves. Menial annoyances like blow drying their hair, cleaning their home, landscaping their estates, looking after their own offspring or sculpting their good looks can all be delegated to under-appreciated professionals…opening doors is no different.

We are all familiar with the difficulties that opening doors can pose. There is the tiresome task of finding one’s keys and the mentally exhausting struggle of push vs. pull. This may be simple to you but you likely are not rich and cannot understand the challenge that ingress conventions cause. As such they look to others to solve the wealthy equivalent of Schrödinger’s cat. Interestingly, while most everyone that works for the rich is at the beck and call of those with ample Ben Franklins in their Prada wallet, the doorman is a special breed of help. Equal parts security, concierge, confident, sycophant, gossip snitch and stanch union member the doorman can make a tenant feel welcome or thoroughly ignored. While the rest of the world world bows to the fancies of the wealthy, even agreeing with a milkaholic’s whimsical dream of launching a clothing line, an NYC doorman is protected by the Local 32BJ and needs not bow to the fickleness of the upper crust. In fact, if the right of the doorman to deliver sardonic humor and unsolicited advice to their pedigreed counterparts is compromised swift strike action is threatened which throws the city into turmoil. The result of this unlikely relationship is that the doorman is privy to Upper East Side indiscretions, SoHo secrets and Tribeca trysts.

Naturally, if you would like to wriggle your way into the lives of the fabulously wealthy a doorman may represent Prometheus waiting to share the secrets of the Gods. While discretion is the better part of valor, if gossip columnists can break these vaults of secrecy surely you can find a way to eke out a sound bite or two and gain familiarity with their wealthy patrons’ likes and dislikes. Perhaps the couple in 15B enjoys the thrill of meeting new people over Manhattans and dinner at a Gramercy Tavern barstool on Tuesdays while 12D loves sailing in the Maldives and 14C has a weakness for custom oxfords from John Lobb on Madison. If you can’t turn these nuggets into sparkling conversation over grilled sturgeon there is no hope for you to impress the well-heeled. Succeed and there may be enough wind in your sails to solicit an invitation to enjoy lunch in a stunning co-op overlooking Central Park in spring. Land ho you scallywag.

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