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#58 - White Pants

#58 - White Pants

White Pants
Price: No Condiments or Red Wine

As summer draws to a close, the sun finally sets on another season of rocking the white pants. Labor Day is just around the corner so it seems like the right time to reflect and revisit questions like “dude, what the f*&k are you wearing?” While women will always have a classic elegance when wearing white pants, men will always have jokes made about them when wearing white pants. That is unless they are professional athletes in uniform, sailors in uniform or male nurses in a psychiatric ward which brings up an entirely different list of questions.

While rich people love wearing white pants they know it is wrong. At some point between deciding to wear them and complimenting their own posterior in the mirror they realize that they are about to spend an entire day looking like Captain Stubing’s cabin boy and still they walk out the door to their freshly waxed Range Rover. Knowing that rich people love being right, they spend their short commute prepping why white pants are a must-have wardrobe item to counter snide remarks from the likes of Hunter in Sales. Explanations range from “knowing fashion” to “it keeps me cool by reflecting the sun” and if required “I’m sailing with Jim from Oracle this afternoon”.

None are convincing arguments that sway anyone towards considering white pants as a good decision but the desire to evade a half hour lecture on why white pants represent culture means nodding one’s head and quickly departing in the opposite direction. The explanation for white pants is simple; to flaunt wealth. Just as middle-class kids wear skirts over their jeans to illustrate that they have more clothes than they know what to do with, rich people use white pants as a way to showcase their disregard for practical choices. A typical pair of white pants will last for two and a half uses before coffee, wine, mustard, grass or fresh berries deflower the pants and render them useless. This gives their owner the opportunity to flippantly disregard the accident and quip “c’est la vie” indicating his $395 Michael Kors mean nothing. This impending incident adds excitement to the buttoned-down, conservative elite as the inevitable stain is like Russian roulette for the fashion conscious. That said, Czar Ivan the Terrible would have justifiably shot any man in his court for wearing white pants.

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