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#92 - Equestrian

#92 – Equestrian

Equestrian
Price: Saddle sores/horsemeat scandals

If you are serious about being wealthy, one of life’s great pleasures is developing a sense of class that is far beyond that of the common man. This means enjoying activities like polo, croquet and collecting ascots. While nearly everyone has donned a cowboy hat and straddled a petting zoo pony or mounted a dude ranch work horse better named Gluestick than Silver, the truly wealthy do not consider these representative of a true equine aficionado. In fact, the rich consider anyone that wears blue jeans and a straw hat more likely to be proficient with a pitchfork and a wheelbarrow than a saddle and a bridle. Instead, one simply must own a proper collection of riding boots, flared riding pants and a helmet reminiscent of Marvin the Martian, if Marvin owned a Bentley.

While a trusted steed may elicit images of John Wayne, the Lone Ranger or Clint Eastwood, rich people know that only and elite few can exhibit the grace and elegance of an equestrian rider. The majesty of rider taming a well-papered beast and becoming one as they gracefully vault over obstacles in a race against time is akin to watching a an Italian mechanic tune a classic Ferrari…while it is moving. Equestrian may at first blush appear a frivolous pastime but one must move beyond the literal interpretation and realize it is in fact a metaphor for success as many wealthy patrons believe they have pulled themselves up by the bootstraps overcoming humble beginnings as trust fund children who did not see a penny until they turned 21 or until they narrowly graduated from an Ivy League college at a campus littered with buildings named after their forefathers.

As always, the challenge is not how to mock the frivolities of the wealthy but to embrace them as a means to gallop into the inner circle. Naturally, as with other stuff rich people love, there is a vocabulary to learn. Understanding that the obstacles are called verticals or fences and that the horse and rider are called jumpers is table stakes, so the ability to discuss the finer points of the sport becomes critical. I recommend intimating a knowledge of dressage or perhaps the cultural importance of the fox hunt as light-hearted means to inspire your host to wax poetic on their thoughts about warmblood and thoroughbred breeding or their leaning towards Badminton versus Burghley as the pinnacle of success. Some may suggest that sincerity and genuine interest are keys to winning friends and gaining influence. Others believe that rich people are much more inclined to appreciate a sycophant that feigns interest rather than engaging in meaningful dialogue. Perhaps it is why horses make such great team mates.

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#29 - Middle Initials

#29 - Middle Initials

Middle Initials
Priceless

People the world over have initials but they are rarely used unless one has reached a level of high net worth and more frequently, achieved super-rich status. As the saying goes, if you have to ask the price you can’t afford it, so if you aren’t sure where the demark lies between comfortable and high net worth…you probably aren’t high net worth, you certainly aren’t super-rich. Financial metrics aside, it is a fair assumption that someone using middle initials, better yet first and middle initials, is living in the upper percentiles of net worth.

Right now, every rich person on Earth has either done it or is planning to use a middle initial. To make friends with rich people, there is no easier way than the rebirth of your own middle initial. Other than sounding like a jackass to your buddies on the softball team there is nothing stopping you from improving your social standing with the simple addition of a single letter. Here are a few random examples from the white pages; Larry Ross becomes Lawrence H. Ross, Mike Banner is now Michael R. Banner and Phil McCracken…well, say it a couple times and you will know there are just some names that can’t be saved. At first glance I think you will agree that Mike and Larry both sound more sophisticated, imagine what it can do for you.

You will undoubtedly see an immediate improvement in almost every aspect of your life. Don’t believe it…do a little product testing at your next social gathering, experiment with new people you meet. Try out the middle initial, replace your first name with an initial; mix it up until you find a combination that works for you. For people that aren’t rich, this game is typically substituted by discovering your stripper name through some combination of your first street name and first pet’s name but this is beneath you and your monied acquaintances. You will find that the addition of an initial improves your self perception, self confidence and lends an air of je ne sais quoi to your introductions. Examples abound throughout the civilized world; think about what it did for George W, John D. Rockefeller and especially Elbert H. Gray. Finally, if it was good enough for Jesus, it sure as H is good enough for you!

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