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Posts Tagged ‘James Bond’

#86 - Suspenders

#86 – Suspenders

Suspenders
Price: Chafed Nipples

There are two types of people in the world, those that wear suspenders and those that do not. In the former group there are two types of people, rich men and everyone else. While everyone else is quite broad it includes notable and questionably valuable members of society like clowns, satirical television characters and pseudo tycoons that hope the powers that be mistake them as well bred. This group also includes adorable old men but they are exempt from public scrutiny, a benefit of respecting one’s elders. The considerably smaller group of men that rely on clips to hold their trousers in place do so for one important reason; linking thumbs through these elasticized accessories conveys a sense of unquestionable wisdom, a direct yet subconscious connection to President Roosevelt, thereby solidifying one’s alpha dominance in a room full of everyone else.

If you are like 95% of men, suspenders aren’t your cup of tea and you think that they represent arrogant money grubbers that care more about their Rolls Royce than their personal chef’s welfare. If you are in the 5% of arrogant money grubbers that wear suspenders, you could care less what the 95% think, hope that they stay the hell away from your Rolls Royce, wonder what your chef is preparing for dinner and believe that Michael Douglas was a “real pussy” in the film Wall Street. There are of course exceptions to the stereotypical hard-nosed businessman in suspenders; there are hard-nosed news anchors that make their interviewee weep, hard-nosed MI6 double-O agents that are licensed to kill, there is even a band named Satan Wears Suspenders and of course your grandfather who remains adorable in his suspenders.

The burning question is how can suspenders help you? As mentioned, unless you are in the 5% and a notably wealthy individual you will fall into the category of pseudo tycoon desperately trying to fit in also known as the brown-nosing pain in the ass. Adopting this transparent ruse will likely have a negative impact on your career, destroy your personal life and most importantly eliminate what is left of your sex life as the former crumble. Instead there are three things you can do to elevate yourself in the presence of the suspenderati. First, never snap the suspenders that your boss wears, that their boss wears or those worn by important clients that visit the office. This will inevitably lead to a stint counting ball bearings in a city that Detroit natives wouldn’t relocate to. Second, make a point of snapping the suspenders of those in your peer group at work to expose them as ass-kissing sycophants. This will make you popular with your co-workers and unpopular with the ass-kissers. Finally, sarcastically yet vigilantly refer to your bootlicking, suspender clad co-worker as Thurston and ensure that all other co-workers know this refers to the British manufacturer that has outfitted kings, presidents, princes and film stars in suspenders since 1820. This bit of corporate frivolity will clean out the climbers and make for a better place to work. Like Gordon Gekko said and Sun-Tzu before him, “Every battle is won before it is ever fought” so snap to it.

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#57 - Monocles

#57 - Monocles

Monocles
Price: Single-Eyed Vision

There are a lot of things that rich people love that are cool. There are also things that rich people like that are ridiculous. Monocles are ridiculous and only rich people or TV bad guys wear them. If you find yourself facing someone with a single lens wedged into their eye socket it is your duty to suppress your laughter and keep Monopoly man, Colonel Klink and James Bond evil genius comparisons to yourself, at least to their face.

An important distinction to be made about people that wear monocles is that they are eccentric. Not all rich people are eccentric but all eccentric people are rich. It has been said that the difference between crazy and eccentric is around a million dollars. This means you won’t see poor people wearing monocles because they have important things to buy like Cheetos, Nascar tee-shirts and velour art for the trailer. On the other hand, rich people have no idea how to spend all of their money so top hats, coat tails and monocles are a statement of class and superior upbringing.

As with everything that rich people do, you can use this to make fun of them or make this the basis of a lasting friendship. You’ll have to ask yourself if this is the type of friend you want but if you do it is easy to appeal to their eccentricity. Start by ignoring their conspiracy theories about the Carnegie family tapping their phone. Next, draw obvious parallels to important historical figures that wore a monocle like Joseph Chamberlain and Karl Marx. Ask if Rockefeller wore a monocle. If they haven’t hijacked the conversation by now, comment on how unique they are. Rich people love to be different so if you haven’t become a trusted confidant by now it is time to gracefully walk away. For your own entertainment, this is the right time to shock them into raising an eyebrow so that their eyepiece falls into their champagne flute. Do not pass go and do not collect $200!

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#15 - Private Banking

#15 - Private Banking

Swiss Private Banking
Min. deposit: $1 million

Rich people love multiple bank accounts; rich people love Swiss Bank accounts. Switzerland is an excellent choice due to bank secrecy, low risk, economic stability and let’s be honest who doesn’t love saying “wire it to my Swiss account”. Few industries are enshrouded by mystery as Swiss banking. Despite James Bond’s distrust of Swiss bankers, learn a few rules and you will be leading sparkling conversation that makes your wealthy compatriots envy your international financial knowledge.

Bankers will not install microprocessors under your skin, you won’t feel like James Bond withdrawing your cash and you certainly won’t have a Da Vinci Code key to tote around. In fact, private banking services in Switzerland are remarkably similar to private banking services in Cleveland, but who wants to go to Cleveland? What you do get is banking secrecy rivaled by few countries the world over. Clients may use Swiss banks to shield assets from spiteful spouses, intrusive government tax agencies, angry patients, unscrupulous business associates, greedy litigators or a host of leeches laying claim to the birthright of the fabulously wealthy.

Besides the intense secrecy laws that protect account holders, private banking has unrivalled levels of service far surpassing the common man’s mass market retail savings and checking accounts. Rich people can ensure they avoid teller lines, dirty ATMs, pens on chains and cattle-herding polyester ropes by liaising with their personal banker in the comfort of a private office. Services are extensive and typically include wealth management counseling services, investment advice and estate planning peppered with offside humor at the expense of poor people. While the minimum million dollars in assets in not particularly prohibitive, many private Swiss Banks will only extend an invitation to new customers based upon a referral from current customers. Nevertheless, during your next visit to St. Moritz, delay the departure of your Gulfstream, visit Zurich and engage bankers that have served European royalty for over 300 years. Unsurprisingly, you are unlikely to encounter Mr. Christoph Meili in the lobby.

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