Posts Tagged ‘hogans heroes’

#57 - Monocles

#57 - Monocles

Price: Single-Eyed Vision

There are a lot of things that rich people love that are cool. There are also things that rich people like that are ridiculous. Monocles are ridiculous and only rich people or TV bad guys wear them. If you find yourself facing someone with a single lens wedged into their eye socket it is your duty to suppress your laughter and keep Monopoly man, Colonel Klink and James Bond evil genius comparisons to yourself, at least to their face.

An important distinction to be made about people that wear monocles is that they are eccentric. Not all rich people are eccentric but all eccentric people are rich. It has been said that the difference between crazy and eccentric is around a million dollars. This means you won’t see poor people wearing monocles because they have important things to buy like Cheetos, Nascar tee-shirts and velour art for the trailer. On the other hand, rich people have no idea how to spend all of their money so top hats, coat tails and monocles are a statement of class and superior upbringing.

As with everything that rich people do, you can use this to make fun of them or make this the basis of a lasting friendship. You’ll have to ask yourself if this is the type of friend you want but if you do it is easy to appeal to their eccentricity. Start by ignoring their conspiracy theories about the Carnegie family tapping their phone. Next, draw obvious parallels to important historical figures that wore a monocle like Joseph Chamberlain and Karl Marx. Ask if Rockefeller wore a monocle. If they haven’t hijacked the conversation by now, comment on how unique they are. Rich people love to be different so if you haven’t become a trusted confidant by now it is time to gracefully walk away. For your own entertainment, this is the right time to shock them into raising an eyebrow so that their eyepiece falls into their champagne flute. Do not pass go and do not collect $200!

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