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#37 - Pure White Bathrobes

#37 - Pure White Bathrobes

Loro Piana Cashmere Robe
Price: $3,495

Rich people face a never-ending dichotomy, an inner turmoil that is rarely understood by the middle and lower classes. How does one balance a public image of importance and responsibility with a private life of leisure and luxury? Remember, their time is precious and it should be spent increasing wealth or enjoying life to the fullest. While yacht charters, island getaways, topiary and escort services are all important, the most accessible way to enjoy a luxurious lifestyle is the white bathrobe. Of course it helps if your major domo is serving fresh squeezed orange juice, Italian espresso and a selection of tropical fruits while you work through the NY Times crossword, in pen of course, but these are secondary to the primary luxury that a robe provides.

To befriend the rich, you will want to familiarize yourself with the comfort and luxury provided by this simple item. I know what you are thinking, my father wore a threadbare robe every Sunday morning and he definitely wasn’t rich. Don’t be fooled, there are robes and then there are robes. Any jackass can visit Target and pick up a terry cloth striped robe with bunny slippers for less than twenty bucks but these betray the essence of the real deal. A robe should be thick with plenty of material to wrap and long enough to avoid errantly displaying the family jewels. Next, you will notice the difference in the collar; luxury demands that a second layer is stitched on the inside to ensure you are swaddled in plush fabric around the neck and chest. Finally, deep pockets are required. You may wonder…what would I carry around in the morning? The answer is nothing; they act as a metaphor to remind you that you are rich and can afford frivolities like meaningless pockets.

Should you find yourself in conversation concerning morning couture, sharing breakfast with a wealthy colleague at the summer home or enjoying a steam bath at the club, it is wise to be versed in the subtleties of leisure wear. Debate continues around where one should acquire this essential apparel. To many, the only choice is a pure white robe from a high-end department store or local boutique specializing in fine linens and towels. For others, purchasing robes embossed with luxury hotel brands serves a dual purpose of showcasing your worldliness and accessing global luxury through well regarded purchasing departments. The danger with the latter is the lingering question of whether the robe was purchased or gauchely abducted from the Four Seasons without a second thought. For this reason above all others, err on the side of social acceptability and avoid branded robes, unless you are Winona Ryder of course.

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#36 - Dress Shoes With No Socks

#36 - Dress Shoes With No Socks

Salvatore Ferragamo Puntala Croc Oxford
Price: $2,300

Rich people love fashion. Rich people love beautiful shoes. Rich people love the feeling of soft Corinthian leather, or maybe that’s just life according to Ricardo Montalbán. Regardless, fantasies do come true and every summer thousands of rich people opt to leave their socks at home and slide their sweaty feet into extravagant Prada, John Lobb, Salvatore Ferragamo and A. Testoni shoes to express their carefree nature and show-off their lack of podiatric inhibitions. If you are rich and you wear socks you may as well drive a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba because that’s the level of respect that you will garner but at least you’ll still feel soft leather against your skin from your vintage automobile’s luxurious seats.

For many, the thought of sliding their feet into a pair of brand new shoes with nothing but a smile and a shoehorn is repulsive. In fairness, there are more disgusting habits that a man can pick up in the dirty streets of the world’s finest cities and unlike the aforementioned dirty habits, sans sock aficionados say don’t judge it until you’ve tried it. Of course, if you aren’t rich, you aren’t subjected to ridiculous peer pressure to adopt styles popularized by Miami Vice and other atrocities of the eighties. In fact, average men that show up anywhere in dress shoes without socks are most likely to become the butt of all jokes for the night and likely for the rest of their life. Not so for the rich.

The ability to destroy a pair of shoes with nothing but a thousand sweats glands is a status symbol more than it is a comfort choice. While middle class white kids wear Che Guevara t-shirts and baseball hats with sticker attached to express that they are badass, the wealthy adopt a modest subtlety to show that they have more money than most Caribbean nations. Sockless Italian loafers are akin to standing outside Goldman Sachs’ headquarters and screaming “I just cashed a million dollar bonus check! Screw you taxpayer!” Of course they never would, so they let bare ankles do the talking under their perfectly tailored suit. A quick glance around Madison Ave, Lexington Ave, Fifth Ave and the men’s department of Bergdorf Goodman will reveal them as playgrounds for the sockless masses. A word to the wise, steer clear of Japanese restaurants that require patrons to remove their footwear if you want to avoid the pungent smell of old money at lunch!

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#32 - Sweater Draped Over the Shoulders

#32 - Sweater Draped Over the Shoulders

Loro Piana Cashmere Cardigan
Price: $1,195

Fashion is not universal. There are trends that some people can always wear and trends that some people can never wear. Sweaters draped over the shoulders are strictly the domain of the rich, the non-rich are happy to keep it that way. As the NY Times printed, “a cardigan sweater draped over the shoulders can look fashionable and be ready to don should the temperature drop.” Citing air-conditioned restaurants, theaters and sea breezes as practical reasons for having a sweater handy, the reality is these are not-so-clever excuses used by the rich to justify strategically placed apparel where it doesn’t belong. Like many wealthy customs, their great grandparents did it, their grandparents did it, their parents did it and now they will do it too. It is a tradition passed down the same way as choosing schools, choosing tailors and choosing white shoe law firms to article at before the trust fund matures.

Conspiracy theorists will claim that, like Valentine’s Day, this is a ploy by designers to sell more merchandise but draping a sweater over one’s shoulders is less complicated than that. Ockham’s razor is a principle that states the simplest explanation is the best explanation. In this light, it is easy to understand that the wealthy are nothing more than victims of mob mentality or groupthink. Place hundreds of people in a closed environment that snubs newcomers and they are bound to do the same as one another. This is the philosophy of private clubs, so it should come as no surprise that everyone acts and dresses the same. It would be social suicide to voice dissenting opinions in such circumstances and as a result members go with the flow; they drink scotch, wear loafers without socks and drape sweaters over the shoulder.

You’re thinking, what about Italians? The truth is, through some genetic anomaly they look great with a sweater over their shoulders despite the near worthlessness of the lira during the 1990’s. Clearly wealth isn’t a factor so the credit goes to swarthy good looks, three-day stubble growth and vintage Vespa scooters. They also wear Capri pants but you’ll be hard pressed to find a man anywhere else in the world who wears Capri pants and remembers the last time they enjoyed a romantic interlude with a woman. Suffice it to say, unless your name is Margaux or Porter be practical, stick to prêt-a-porter and avoid sweaters as accessories!

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#27 - Monogrammed Shirts

#27 - Monogrammed Shirts

Personalized Monogram
Priceless

Monograms are a priceless way to showcase one’s sophistication, class and general disconnection with the common man. There are a multitude of products that may be embossed with initials; handkerchiefs, towels, cufflinks, wallets, ties and socks to name a few, but the fast track to hob-knobbing with the rich and separating yourself from the chafe is a monogrammed shirt cuff. A personalized cuff is visible enough to draw unspoken approval of one’s taste but understated enough to avoid flying in the face of conservative fashion. While some opt for placement on the breast pocket or shirt collar, these are certainly less popular than wearing initials on the sleeve.

While nobody can definitively peg the origin of the monogrammed shirt, it is generally accepted that boarding schools initiated the practice as a means to distinguish the lads’ uniforms from one another during laundry cycles. You can imagine young Willard’s horror at the thought of wearing another boy’s shirt, never mind having to actually do laundry. It is from these not-so-humble beginnings that the monogram found its way into modern fashion as the gentlemen of Eton College graduated to Oxford and then joined London City’s financial district before America visited Savile Row and exported the practice to the other side of the pond. Notable fashionistas with a penchant for flair included Fred Astaire and Cary Grant although the former tended towards discrete embroideries that only he was privy to; the rationale was that people already knew who he was. You can be sure that mentioning this tidbit to the boulevardier sporting a monogram will not help you pry open wealthy social circles.

A final word on monograms; typically a custom tailored shirt is the entry point for those that desire this touch of class. While you can add it to any piece of off-the-rack clothing, you will likely come off badly in a monogrammed Van Heusen or Arrow shirt. Remember, just because you can’t tell the difference between Egyptian cotton and a poly blend doesn’t mean the gentleman in Anderson & Sheppard French cuffs will be fooled by your aftermarket efforts. Not sure a monogram is for you; at the very least consider adding BSD to your cuff for the pure comic genius of your friends referring to you as a Big Swinging Dick.

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