Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Travel’ Category

#65 - Rehab

#65 - Rehab

Rehab
Price: Potential Sunburn

A few months after grey became the new black, rehab became the new grey. The only thing more fashionable than checking into rehab is friends and family hosting an intervention before checking into rehab. This is the highest compliment that rich people can pay one another as it says they care, they want you to get better and that they will probably still spend time with you when you no longer drive exotic cars into the neighbor’s pool. While rehab has become an exclusive club for the wealthy, there is a danger for the uninformed of checking into the wrong clinic only to be ostracized after spending four long weeks listening to Melanie Griffith drone on about Antonio Banderas.

Just as there is a difference between golfing at Sebonac and playing mini putt in New Jersey, rich people prefer Malibu, Antigua and Australia when powdering one’s nose culminates in a 12 step program. I should point out that rich people don’t plan to end up in rehab but if a penchant for excess has gotten out of hand there’s no point in leaving it to Nurse Ratched to wean hard partiers off of sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll. Rehabilitation can take place in the lap of luxury where nearly every whim is satisfied. In fact, given that guests of the clinic are no longer supplying a kilo of coke for nightly parties hosted at their LA mansion, rehab can actually pay for itself.

More important than the high cost and the goal of sobriety are the potential friendships that clinics like Promises, Cirque Lodge and Crossroads provide. For the wealthy, a stint at a chic clinic in beautiful Malibu can mean an improved circle of friends and access to the A-List that may otherwise be unattainable. Granted, the new friends will be reasonably dull for the first few months but Kate Moss and Mary-Kate Olsen are rumored regulars at top clinics so it won’t be long before their mood improves. While rehab can be a great place to meet celebrities, it is recommended that business partnerships are formed elsewhere. It would be a pity if the seed money resulted in a relapse at Beat-rice in the West Village.

Don’t miss new posts! Sign up for our RSS feed, post to your iGoogle page or subscribe by email and receive updates anytime there is a new post!

Read Full Post »

#64 - Prescription Drugs

#64 - Prescription Drugs

Prescription Drugs
Price: A Trip to Rehab

The lives of rich people can be very difficult. Suppose the maid needs a day off or the nanny wants to take the long weekend to see family and friends, what then? The trials and tribulations that disrupt wealthy lives is a long and distinguished list; choosing spas, hiring pool boys, all night parties, dressing for charity galas, and choosing the perfect pair of shoes come to mind. Fortunately there is a cure for all that life can throw at the rich, prescription drugs! 

When rich people tell you about the problems they face, it is your duty to pretend to empathize, ask how they cope and in most circles suggest that your doctor can help. This will win you major points as you have legitimized their habit and it gives them the opportunity to showcase a deep knowledge of pharmaceuticals and their grasp of the social scene. Like everything in wealthy circles, the ebb and flow of fashion plays an important role in choosing the right prescription cocktail. God forbid that they get caught swallowing the same “pick-me-up” that leads to Lindsay Lohan’s next indiscretion!

While rich people don’t approve of illicit drug use, cocaine exempted, they do believe there is a time and place for drugs backed with a doctor’s signature, even if they have to go to a podiatrist to get it. The time is whenever life’s crises arise and the place is the bathroom of any private or public establishment. These medical marvels can be relied on to get any trust fund baby to a pillowed, blissful dreamscape and often play a role in making people interesting. Never forget that there is a dark side to prescription drugs. The best rehab clinics have wait lists so the wealthy must skillfully plan their addictions lest they end up bunking with Andy Dick in Sleepy Hollow rather than tanning with Mary Kate Olsen in an exclusive Malibu resort, ahem, clinic. In the meantime, read two articles at Stuff Rich People Love and call me in the morning.

Don’t miss new posts! Sign up for our RSS feed, post to your iGoogle page or subscribe by email and receive updates anytime there is a new post!

Read Full Post »

#59 - Being Condescending

#59 - Being Condescending

Being Condescending
Price: Nobody Likes You

Imagine being engaged in conversation with a relative stranger. You mention that you are taking a trip or going back to school. Now imagine that the person you are speaking with tells you they only stay at 5 star resorts, never fly economy or that unless you are attending Harvard you’ll be wasting your time. Given that you are staying at a Holiday Inn, travelling by bus and attending state you are likely thinking, “what a dick!” You aren’t wrong; rich people are condescending!

For most people a conversation like this is a disaster but like rich people say, when life gives you lemons have your chef make lemonade. A common response to condescending rich people is to blush and mumble about how nice that sounds. At the other end of the etiquette spectrum is abruptly ending the conversation with a few choice four letter words. While both are options, it is much more fun to play the one-upmanship game. Here’s how it works; they say 5 star, you say 5 diamond. They say Harvard, you prefer the London School of Economics. They won’t fly economy, trump first class by asking if they own a private jet. While this doesn’t immediately seem like a suitable tactic to forge friendships you will be surprised how effective piquing their interest can be.

A little mystery can go a long way when engaging in one-upping, so tread softly. You will want to verse yourself in the finer things in life. Conversational knowledge of Bugatti automobiles, French Chateaus, armored vehicles and private islands will provide ample material for sparring with your conceited adversary. An important point to remember, never lie about partaking in such luxuries. Alluding to enjoying the lifestyle is much more effective and keeps the sharks from smelling weakness. While you don’t want to be known as the jackass that fabricates stories about climbing Everest without oxygen or setting free dive depth records, it is perfectly acceptable to showcase your knowledge of pampered wealth. Finally, this knowledge is like achieving a black belt in martial arts; only use it in self-defense. With a little training you will be as lethal as Bruce Lee and as debonair as James Bond.

Don’t miss new posts! Sign up for our RSS feed, post to your iGoogle page or subscribe by email and receive updates anytime there is a new post!

Read Full Post »

#53 - Saving Africa

#53 - Saving Africa

Saving Africa
Price: Modest Knowledge

Rich people love to support noble causes and a favorite cause is to save Africa. Don’t confuse this with caring as it is socially important that every rich person show a compassionate side. The way that rich people save is different than the way that the rest of the world saves. Many people will give a year of their life volunteering or make monthly donations in return for a photograph and signed Christmas card. Rich people use causes as the raison d’être to host lavish fundraising galas with an annual flight to Africa for a safari and photo ops during a tour of schools or hospitals supported by their foundation. Ironically, a major reason that Africa needs help is the 19th century colonization of the continent by rich people.

Historically, the pillaging of Africa was fueled by an insatiable desire for copper, rubber, diamonds, tea and more recently oil. In return for stripping the continent of its riches, Europeans provided limited education, frowned upon mixed marriages, enlisted Africans to fight in World Wars, implemented enforced labor and planted cash crops while neglecting food crops. The result, this doesn’t make for good conversation when befriending the rich. Instead, use this as an opportunity to flatter their generosity and learn more about their benevolent nature.

Rich people like devoting their philanthropic efforts to saving the Dark Continent because it is easy to explain. Medical research or environmental work can be confusing but conjuring images of impoverished orphans in the sub-Saharan is effortless. It is also simple for the wealthy to explain how much good they are doing. Measuring the number of hospitals, patients, schools, students and textbooks is superior to scientific jargon or tonnes of CO2 eliminated. They would spend more time explaining the metric system than proving what generous people they are. Remember, it isn’t about making a difference, it’s about being recognized for the difference rich people make. Ensure you fawn over and embellish their efforts and you are well on your way to a black tie affair. If you are lucky they may invite a real live African whose life they have enriched, the wealthy are so wonderful.

Don’t miss new posts! Sign up for our RSS feed, post to your iGoogle page or subscribe by email and receive updates anytime there is a new post!

Read Full Post »

#41 - Extravagant Parties

#41 - Extravagant Parties

Party Of the Year
Price: Limitless

Everyone enjoys a great party and rich people are no different. The distinction is how one hosts a party. If you receive a written and personalized invitation to a party, your host may be rich. If the invitation asks for an RSVP, this is also a good sign. If the letters BYOB are included on the invite, you aren’t going to a party with rich people. Variations on the letter B include beer, booze, beef and bitches. If it is the latter, you might want to skip the party and start looking for new friends.

All this aside, when rich people party they spare no expense and take care of every detail. An entire industry has been launched from the wallets and purses of the rich driven by their need to outdo the party at the forefront of A-list minds. These inspired games of one-upmanship lead to paid celebrity appearances, performances by top musicians, ice sculptures, champagne fountains, limo services, catering by the city’s best chefs and lavish gift bags featuring the latest must-have items. Why restrict yourself to a single party? If you want to celebrate in style, throw a simul-party (apparently we didn’t make up this word). The outrageously wealthy will organize same-day parties in multiple cities, on multiple continents and fly to them on their private jets. Paris Hilton loaded her closest friends into a Gulfstream and circumnavigated the globe on her 21st birthday including stops in New York, Las Vegas, London, Hollywood and Tokyo.

The opulence and extravagance of these fabulous parties begs the question why? Here are a few reasons, feel free to add you own. Everyone knows that rich people allude to their wealth but never reveal their net worth. Parties keep people guessing and spark discussion; the more extravagant, the more you are worth or so the logic goes. Next, rich people love to impress by hosting the perfect evening. Parties showcase their class, culture, thoughtfulness, creativity and the ability to hire the perfect planner. Finally, the rich worry that nobody will show up and the caviar will spoil; a great party is a guarantee that you’ll never run short of sycophants. This isn’t unique to the rich. Admit it, you’ve sat at home waiting for people to arrive, nervously passing time boozing or gulping Jell-o shots until guests start arriving or you have passed out on the floor. The rich are the same, except they pop champagne and snort lines in the pool house. Either way, score an invite to one of these fab soirees and you could be watching the Jonas Brothers at a private party in the Hills. On second thought, pass the Jell-o and a bucket!

Don’t miss new posts! Sign up for our RSS feed, post to your iGoogle page or subscribe by email and receive updates anytime there is a new post!

Read Full Post »

#37 - Pure White Bathrobes

#37 - Pure White Bathrobes

Loro Piana Cashmere Robe
Price: $3,495

Rich people face a never-ending dichotomy, an inner turmoil that is rarely understood by the middle and lower classes. How does one balance a public image of importance and responsibility with a private life of leisure and luxury? Remember, their time is precious and it should be spent increasing wealth or enjoying life to the fullest. While yacht charters, island getaways, topiary and escort services are all important, the most accessible way to enjoy a luxurious lifestyle is the white bathrobe. Of course it helps if your major domo is serving fresh squeezed orange juice, Italian espresso and a selection of tropical fruits while you work through the NY Times crossword, in pen of course, but these are secondary to the primary luxury that a robe provides.

To befriend the rich, you will want to familiarize yourself with the comfort and luxury provided by this simple item. I know what you are thinking, my father wore a threadbare robe every Sunday morning and he definitely wasn’t rich. Don’t be fooled, there are robes and then there are robes. Any jackass can visit Target and pick up a terry cloth striped robe with bunny slippers for less than twenty bucks but these betray the essence of the real deal. A robe should be thick with plenty of material to wrap and long enough to avoid errantly displaying the family jewels. Next, you will notice the difference in the collar; luxury demands that a second layer is stitched on the inside to ensure you are swaddled in plush fabric around the neck and chest. Finally, deep pockets are required. You may wonder…what would I carry around in the morning? The answer is nothing; they act as a metaphor to remind you that you are rich and can afford frivolities like meaningless pockets.

Should you find yourself in conversation concerning morning couture, sharing breakfast with a wealthy colleague at the summer home or enjoying a steam bath at the club, it is wise to be versed in the subtleties of leisure wear. Debate continues around where one should acquire this essential apparel. To many, the only choice is a pure white robe from a high-end department store or local boutique specializing in fine linens and towels. For others, purchasing robes embossed with luxury hotel brands serves a dual purpose of showcasing your worldliness and accessing global luxury through well regarded purchasing departments. The danger with the latter is the lingering question of whether the robe was purchased or gauchely abducted from the Four Seasons without a second thought. For this reason above all others, err on the side of social acceptability and avoid branded robes, unless you are Winona Ryder of course.

Don’t miss new posts! Sign up for our RSS feed, post to your iGoogle page or subscribe by email and receive updates anytime there is a new post!

Read Full Post »

#34 - Infinity Pools

#34 - Infinity Pools

Infinity Pools
Price: $100,000

Rich people love homes with spectacular views. After spending millions on a dwelling that they may inhabit for as little as a few weeks a year, it is a shame to ruin the splendor and magnificence of the horizon with an unsightly pool edge. Imagine if you will, the distraction that concrete or natural stone could pose when staring across the turquoise seas of the Caribbean, it’s enough to ruin the weekend; it’s like wearing polyester underwear, going to Kansas or flying economy class. Fortunately, architects and pool designers the world over joined forces and collectively tackled this global problem. The result; they gave the world the infinity edge pool. This gift means the wealthy will never again have to tolerate the interruption of their views and can get back to amassing wealth and talking about amassing wealth.

The infinity pool has emerged as a dominant feature of luxury homes and resorts in every corner of the globe. Originally found in villas with spectacular ocean views and hilltop homes overlooking the city below, the infinity pool is now featured in jungles, mountain resorts, rain forests and even golf courses. The most interesting part of the infinity pool is that you will rarely see someone actually use it. Nothing illustrates how bloated you have become after years of Foie Gras and Kobe beef like displacing 25 gallons of water over the side of a large pool.

For many people, the only time they will see an infinity pool is in a photograph or on the television. The simple explanation, rich people don’t do cannonballs while the lower classes believe this is an appropriate baptism for any body of water regardless of size and occasion. Don’t believe it, search YouTube for ‘cannonball pool’ and results include videos of naked cannonballs, flaming cannonballs, cannonball contests, cannonballs from the roof, cannonballs from the wall, etc. Let me put it this way, you will go through a lot of pages before you find a cannonball in The Hamptons. The math is, infinity pool plus cannonball equals funny but you will never get invited back so enjoy it while you can. Besides, nothing ruins a good umbrella drink like the sight of a grown man hurtling through the air!

Don’t miss new posts! Sign up for our RSS feed, post to your iGoogle page or subscribe by email and receive updates anytime there is a new post!

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »

%d bloggers like this: