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#34 – Infinity Pools

Posted in Leisure & Vacation, Lifestyle, Luxury, Real Estate, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2009| 3 Comments »

#34 - Infinity Pools

#34 - Infinity Pools

Infinity Pools
Price: $100,000

Rich people love homes with spectacular views. After spending millions on a dwelling that they may inhabit for as little as a few weeks a year, it is a shame to ruin the splendor and magnificence of the horizon with an unsightly pool edge. Imagine if you will, the distraction that concrete or natural stone could pose when staring across the turquoise seas of the Caribbean, it’s enough to ruin the weekend; it’s like wearing polyester underwear, going to Kansas or flying economy class. Fortunately, architects and pool designers the world over joined forces and collectively tackled this global problem. The result; they gave the world the infinity edge pool. This gift means the wealthy will never again have to tolerate the interruption of their views and can get back to amassing wealth and talking about amassing wealth.

The infinity pool has emerged as a dominant feature of luxury homes and resorts in every corner of the globe. Originally found in villas with spectacular ocean views and hilltop homes overlooking the city below, the infinity pool is now featured in jungles, mountain resorts, rain forests and even golf courses. The most interesting part of the infinity pool is that you will rarely see someone actually use it. Nothing illustrates how bloated you have become after years of Foie Gras and Kobe beef like displacing 25 gallons of water over the side of a large pool.

For many people, the only time they will see an infinity pool is in a photograph or on the television. The simple explanation, rich people don’t do cannonballs while the lower classes believe this is an appropriate baptism for any body of water regardless of size and occasion. Don’t believe it, search YouTube for ‘cannonball pool’ and results include videos of naked cannonballs, flaming cannonballs, cannonball contests, cannonballs from the roof, cannonballs from the wall, etc. Let me put it this way, you will go through a lot of pages before you find a cannonball in The Hamptons. The math is, infinity pool plus cannonball equals funny but you will never get invited back so enjoy it while you can. Besides, nothing ruins a good umbrella drink like the sight of a grown man hurtling through the air!

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#30 – Gated Driveways

Posted in Art, Fashion & Accessories, Lifestyle, Luxury, Real Estate, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2009| Leave a Comment »

#30 - Gated Driveways

#30 - Gated Driveways

Hydraulic Wrought Iron Gate
Price: $4,950

Rich people love large, extravagant homes that are shielded from the public. Long winding driveways nestled in old growth forest and patrolled by trained protection dogs may seem sufficient to keep commoners at bay, but the rich really like their privacy. For this reason, rich people love gated driveways. They keep the curious off the lawn and, when electrified, can be terribly entertaining. While the rich won’t use enough current to stun their nosey intruders, cameras are often installed simply to watch people hop back and forth while holding their semi-charred hands.

Drive through any well-to-do neighborhood, if you can make it past the guard house, and you will see gates crafted in every conceivable shape, size, design and material. What you will discover; much like pets look like owners, gates reflect the personality of the estate residents. This is where you can, please pardon the pun, jumpstart your relationship with the wealthy. Upon entry to their magnificent home take note of the type of gate and tailor your conversation and compliments to the distinct elements of their entrance. Some will be lavishly adorned with gold leaf, others traditional wrought iron while a few reflect a modernity that matches your host’s contemporary lifestyle; be careful if the modernists ask you to leave your keys in a bowl at the front door! Regardless, modesty is not your friend when recognizing their gracious style…err on the side of excessive. On the other hand, comparing their gate to a neighbor’s is a definite faux pas. It’s like saying “your wife is pretty but did you see Alistair’s wife by the pool last week…wow!” If you aren’t sure how to answer the question “do I look fat in these pants”, you may want to practice your gate etiquette beforehand.

Feel that compliments are too transparent? You can always appeal to the cerebral side of your host. For some, the history of gates is fascinating. If your host is a Harvard educated PhD in 3rd century Roman symbology they likely don’t have a lavish home, but I will humor the idea. Discuss that gates likely originated in concert with defensive walls. Wax poetic about the earliest town gates dating back to the Early Bronze Age or about the discovery of a two chambered gate at the temple in Ein Gedi from 4,500 BC. If this doesn’t cause their cerebellum to throb you have no chance of a lasting friendship. A last word on gates; as you are trying to impress your host, can the ‘a doctor, a lawyer and a priest are at the Pearly Gates’ jokes, they’ve heard them all from people that thought they were equally clever!

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#23 – Topiary Gardens

Posted in Fashion & Accessories, Lifestyle, Luxury, Real Estate, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2009| Leave a Comment »

#23 - Topiary

#23 - Topiary

Snowy Garden Topiary
Price: $12,000 per night

Rich people love topiary. These artful and ornamental cut trees and shrubberies decorate the expansive estates of the wealthy. You may think it is the aesthetics that the rich love and while this is important, topiary acts to remind the help that they are worth less to their employers than the perfectly sculpted greenery they maintain around the garden. What is it about these living works of art that are so appealing to the upper class? Nothing says opulence like spending an average man’s salary on lawn ornaments that must be maintained by…well, an average man.

The popularity of topiary has ebbed and flowed throughout the centuries but it suffered a significant blow in the late nineties. The blame; Edward Scissorhands and while ice sculptures thrived and pirates have hardly been kept down by more recent Johnny Depp features, topiary has had to work hard to comeback. Only in the past five years has topiary redeemed itself as an in vogue passion of the wealthy. Sighted again in 2004 during New York City holiday party season, a “Big Bank” rented extravagant topiary displays for upwards of $12,000 for the evening. Not to be outdone, Israeli billionaire Lev Leviev reportedly paid over $40,000 for a bush that adorns his $70 million dollar London mansion. By the way, do not erroneously introduce billionaires; it can ruin a good party.

To ensure that you are capable of building superficial relationships with the fabulously rich around you, learn a few facts about this lavish garden accoutrement. Speak about Cneius Matius Calvena, the father of topiary, a former pal of Julius Caesar and the second unpronounceable name cited by SRPL today. Admonish Alexander Pope and his essay, Verdant Sculpture, published in the 18th century which ridiculed topiary as a useless art form; clearly a man deprived of a proper upbringing. Finally, educate yourself in Jacobethan architectural style and praise Elvason Castle for opening its private gardens to the public in 1850 hence reviving topiary throughout England. As a sidebar, the rich do not appreciate jokes around ‘trimming the bush’ or similar forms of low brow humour.

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#16 – French Chateaus

Posted in Leisure & Vacation, Lifestyle, Luxury, Real Estate, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2009| 2 Comments »

#16 - French Chateaus

#16 - French Chateaus

Prestige Property Group
Price: $74,730,000

People own houses; rich people own castles, mansions, penthouses and chateaux. Unlike private islands which are intended to keep visitors at a distance, chateaus are intended to showcase superior upbringing and lavish taste. While you may not own a chateau, ingratiating yourself with the über-rich can be expedited by comparing your host to the monarchs that first erected these fairy-tale structures. Europe and particularly France have a healthy sprinkling of these beautiful edifices in some of the most breathtaking settings meaning you can always find an extravagant piece of history to discuss. Rich people have no shame when it comes to acquaintances doting on them and their material possessions.

Consider the magnificent example of a French chateau currently for sale in the department of Jura in eastern France. The property is advertised as a 10 minute helicopter flight from Geneva sitting on 200 acres of walled opulence. The, yes this number is correct, 75,000 square feet of living space features a 1,200 sq ft entrance hall with a “monumental gothic staircase”. The five floor main building houses 34 bedrooms, a Napoleonic drawing room, Louis XVI apartment, Louis XV bedrooms, billiard room, private library and a square tower; damsel in distress not included. Other property features are stables and equestrian infrastructure, a gardener’s house, 19th century workshops that have been converted to sleep 30, courtyard, farm, walled garden, English design lawns, 2 lakes, cascades, grotto and a statue of Diane Chasseresse resembling the statue found at Fontainebleau – a UNESCO World Heritage Site and therefore not presently for sale.

Discussing these features will provide ample ammunition for small talk when discussing chateaus with your new found acquaintance. Their shared love of exclusive residences will make for delightful conversation. Keep in mind, referring to such opulent residences as “pleasant summer homes” is sure to win you respect and another appropriately aged scotch. Engage the right well-to-do land magnate and it may lead to an invitation to accompany them for a weekend tryst with unpasteurized cheese, champagne and fine port….c’est magnifique!

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#12 – Private Libraries

Posted in Lifestyle, Luxury, Personal Services, Real Estate, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2009| 2 Comments »

#12 - Private Libraries

#12 - Private Libraries

Kinsey Marable & Co.
Price: $7,300,000

Rich people love private libraries but this does not mean rich people love to read. A home with a private library says that you are cultured, you are educated and you have deep knowledge on a myriad of topics. It also says that you do not like to mingle with people in public libraries because they cannot afford to buy books. Presumably, Andrew Carnegie would be torn.

Building a private library is not to be taken lightly. Rich people commission library consultants to design and stock bookshelves with titles that reflect the owner’s interests and personality. Dealers like Kinsey Marable & Co will acquire scores of literary works, catalogue and furnish the space announcing to guests that you are a sophisticated individual with impeccable taste regardless of whether you ever crack the spine on a single acquisition in your home.

Finally, one simply must apply for membership with the Private Libraries Association based in the hamlet of Middlesex with satellite offices located in the USA, Canada and Australia. Members receive The Private Library quarterly, mailings relating to their areas of collecting interest and members may attend the Annual General Meeting held in London. Perhaps you will rub elbows with Oprah or other celebrities with private libraries of their own!

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