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Archive for the ‘Drink’ Category

#69 - Butlers

#69 - Butlers

Butlers
Price: Tolerating Fake British Accents

Most people will never understand the trials and tribulations that rich people cope with daily. While country mansions, yachts, wine cellars, exotic cars and private islands sound appealing to most, it is easy to forget that not having a job means plenty of free time which “simply must be managed, darling”. Whether this is lunch at the club, high tea, shopping or attending galas for the latest cause, it is nearly impossible for one person to shoulder that much planning without the specialized training that an eight week butler course offers. In exchange for this extensive and specialized training, butlers are offered a six-figure salary and the opportunity to live where they work by way of a room in the vast estate. Often this is augmented by keys to the wine cellar and the head of the household looking the other way when Jeeves smuggles a full bodied cabernet back to his lonely living quarters.

Butlers’ duties do extend beyond scheduling the lives of their wealthy employers. In fact, the breadth of skills they display is impressive and may include cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, valet services, secretarial work, event planning and personal shopping. While these qualities are important, the real reason that rich people love having a butler is because it is akin to achieving a Cub Scout badge for self-importance. A butler illustrates to friends, family and acquaintances that a rich person’s time is so valuable that nearly every household and personal task is beneath them. Hired help thus frees their time to focus on “high value” tasks like testing martinis at lunch or having their hair professionally blow-dried at ten o’clock each morning.

The question you should be asking yourself is how does this help you to make friends with rich people? As Yogi Berra once said, “when you come to a fork in the road, take it”; get to know a butler or become a butler! Kissing up to the butler is an art but when performed correctly you will secure social invitations to stately soirees. Becoming a butler is more time intensive but may lead to ingratiation and a lifelong association with the family; think Alfred and Bruce Wayne, Smithers and Veronica Lodge or Geoffrey and the Fresh Prince of Belair. Over time these gentlemen became as important to the family as Lassie was to Timmy. Be warned, as the butler you can never forget your place in the household as wearing a white tie to dinner rather than the hired help black will certainly mean ending your tenure with your tail between your legs but at least you will finally know when to use the small fork!

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#65 - Rehab

#65 - Rehab

Rehab
Price: Potential Sunburn

A few months after grey became the new black, rehab became the new grey. The only thing more fashionable than checking into rehab is friends and family hosting an intervention before checking into rehab. This is the highest compliment that rich people can pay one another as it says they care, they want you to get better and that they will probably still spend time with you when you no longer drive exotic cars into the neighbor’s pool. While rehab has become an exclusive club for the wealthy, there is a danger for the uninformed of checking into the wrong clinic only to be ostracized after spending four long weeks listening to Melanie Griffith drone on about Antonio Banderas.

Just as there is a difference between golfing at Sebonac and playing mini putt in New Jersey, rich people prefer Malibu, Antigua and Australia when powdering one’s nose culminates in a 12 step program. I should point out that rich people don’t plan to end up in rehab but if a penchant for excess has gotten out of hand there’s no point in leaving it to Nurse Ratched to wean hard partiers off of sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll. Rehabilitation can take place in the lap of luxury where nearly every whim is satisfied. In fact, given that guests of the clinic are no longer supplying a kilo of coke for nightly parties hosted at their LA mansion, rehab can actually pay for itself.

More important than the high cost and the goal of sobriety are the potential friendships that clinics like Promises, Cirque Lodge and Crossroads provide. For the wealthy, a stint at a chic clinic in beautiful Malibu can mean an improved circle of friends and access to the A-List that may otherwise be unattainable. Granted, the new friends will be reasonably dull for the first few months but Kate Moss and Mary-Kate Olsen are rumored regulars at top clinics so it won’t be long before their mood improves. While rehab can be a great place to meet celebrities, it is recommended that business partnerships are formed elsewhere. It would be a pity if the seed money resulted in a relapse at Beat-rice in the West Village.

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#63 - Pool Boys

#63 - Pool Boys

Pool Boys
Price: Frequent Visitors

Everyone knows that rich people love trophy wives and private nurses. These wealthy playthings only cater to half the world’s wealth and ignore the indulgences of the fairer sex. Unlike men who believe that a pleasurable pastime is chasing a small white ball across acres of manicured grass, women have a much more sensible view of how to spend a hot summer day; lounging around a pool with their favorite accoutrement, the pool boy.

To the untrained bystander, it may appear that cabana boys are little more than well oiled, finely chiseled pieces of tanned eye candy but that is only half the story. The fact of the matter is that these young men perform the duty of ensuring that the woman of the house and her circle of close friends want for nothing as they enjoy the spoils of the good life. While it may seem that these brawny boy toys are a dime a dozen it is demanding work that requires a plethora of skills to keep the misses happy. One must obviously be in top physical condition, exhibit blender mastery, be versed in SPF selection, show an aptitude in umbrella placement, have an excellent grasp of chemistry to ensure the pH level in the pool is a stable seven point two…all while wearing a uniform that would make an Olympic swimmer blush.

The question that remains, how does this help you make friends with the wealthy? If you are blessed with the body of a Greek God, the answer is simple, develop your sunscreen application prowess. If this isn’t the case, you should figure out how to develop the body of a Greek God regardless of your Hawaiian Tropic technique. Of course, if you were born a woman the solution is simpler; introduce a man with a perfect smile and pectorals like an Abercrombie model to the wealthiest woman you know and tag along for the frivolity. At the very least you’ll enjoy a summer of slushy drinks, terrific scenery and overdose on Vitamin D. Just remember, bring your sunglasses as it is gauche to stare!

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#61 - Champagne Fountains

#61 - Champagne Fountains

Champagne Fountains
Price: Disregarding Cost

Rich people love champagne. It is exclusive, it is expensive and almost anyone looks sophisticated holding a flute of Dom Pérignon. While treating yourself to a glass of champers every New Year’s Eve and enjoying the sensation of bubbles dancing on your tongue is enough to appease the huddled masses, for the wealthy a single glass will never do. The rich turn to more extravagant displays of their class, their elegance and their boundless financial resources, champagne fountains. The endless supply of effervescent elixir is visually stunning and says that your host will go to desperate lengths to ensure their soiree is memorable and better than their ex-husband’s last gathering!

As a result, when rich people discuss a party they will always mention the champagne fountain or its conspicuous absence. It is a measure of success and a means by which to weed out the faux-riche from the real deal like Boy Scout merit badges help children pick their friends. Just as you wouldn’t want to be caught in the woods with someone who excels in computers, poetry and theatre nobody wants to spend a perfectly good night at a party where the booze trickles rather than flows. What next, should you supply your own cocaine and gold digging tramps…preposterous!

While most of the posts at Stuff Rich People Love are intended to help you make friends, champagne fountains is a pass or fail standard that you should apply to wealthy people you encounter. This won’t ingratiate you with the rich but you can build credibility by partaking in scorning parties without this vital accoutrement. Furthermore, it will most certainly gain you respect at the office when you off-handedly suggest building one for the next staff function as though it is standard practice within your circle of friends. Your newly showcased sophistication should help next time you tell the cute blond in accounting that you could use her on your staff!

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#48 - Not Oredering From the Menu

#48 - Not Ordering From the Menu

Not Ordering From the Menu
Price: Risk of the Unknown

For rich people menus are suggestions and only important if they have a wine list. While most people feel uncomfortable asking to substitute a salad for fries, rich people think nothing of swapping the club sandwich for Chilean sea bass and the soup for monkfish pate with caviar. Why order from the menu and be restricted by the chef’s narrow vision? Besides, any restaurant worth eating at should be flexible in serving the needs of its customers or so rich people like to believe.

When you think about it, ordering what you want, when you want it is the raison d’être for any restaurant so maybe the rich aren’t far off on this one. The chef, the waiters and the bartenders are there to make your night memorable and spectacular. If this is not the case, you need to stop choosing restaurants that proudly advertise locations in 39 states. These are fine when your mother-in-law is in town but not for a special night out. The only reason rich people have heard of Applebee’s, Ruby Tuesday or Texas Roadhouse is that they own stock but have never been inside of one. The reasons for not setting foot in these fine establishments are many, among them is that the staff has learned to say no to substitutions. This simply won’t do for the wealthy.

Admittedly, not using the menu to order can get a little out of hand but this won’t stop someone who spends more on dinner in a year than most people spend on a home. Much like the royals of England believe that God selected them to lead the country, rich people like to believe that they possess divine palates superior to the men and women trained at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris. They will dismissively order whatever suits their whimsy and complain bitterly if it fails to meet their arbitrary standards. The great failing of their culinary entitlement is indeed a tragic flaw. Having always been wealthy, they have never worked in a restaurant and therefore cannot conceive of the evils that lurk within the inner sanctum of the kitchen when dealing with difficult customers. While the rich remain none the wiser, if you’ve seen Fight Club you know to avoid the lobster bisque and the braised endive. To those about to order, we salute you. Bon Appétit!

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#45 - Trendy Diets

#45 - Trendy Diets

Trendy Diets
Price: Self Control

Alright, to be fair nobody loves diets but at some point everyone fantasizes about losing weight. For most people this is something they admit to, usually over beer and a large pizza, but never do anything about. The rich don’t have that luxury. To fit in with rich people, women must always be wafer thin and appear to be hiding an eating disorder to be accepted by the ladies at the club. It’s why you rarely see large rich women, except in Texas where everything is bigger; second marriages have a way of selecting out this trait too.

The result of this obsessive compulsive behavior to fit into a size 0, a size 2 or, god forbid, a size 4 means trying every new diet to keep the effects of natural age from catching up and parking on their hips. Obviously surgery is an option but rich people like the camaraderie that develops from eating the same foods and comparing results. For rich women it is like the Olympics with the biggest loser winning the proverbial gold medal without the ill effects of carb loading. For this reason, lunch at an upscale restaurant is like combining a Weight Watcher’s group with the “it’s a small world” ride at Disney World. You can pass from table to table taking in the sights and sounds of the latest craze in different social circles.

You will find a smattering of healthy and not-so-healthy representations of what’s hot in nutrition circles. Inevitably you will stumble upon women drinking gin martinis and eating bacon on Atkins, a balanced plate on The Zone, Raw Food advocates, the Mediterranean diet, lean meats and an absence of grains with South Beach and most recently touted by Oprah, tables of women drinking Acai Berry smoothies. While each of these appears to help for a time, this lifestyle is reminiscent of the Wheel of Pain. In a few weeks it will be time to throw their allegiances behind the next fad diet and talk excitedly about the tremendous results. Being the first to uncover the latest diet is a feather in their cap because at the end of the day nobody wants to embarrass themselves by ordering cabbage soup at Daniel on the Upper East Side. You simply must try the paupiette of sea bass or at least admire it while eating a single asparagus spear.

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#41 - Extravagant Parties

#41 - Extravagant Parties

Party Of the Year
Price: Limitless

Everyone enjoys a great party and rich people are no different. The distinction is how one hosts a party. If you receive a written and personalized invitation to a party, your host may be rich. If the invitation asks for an RSVP, this is also a good sign. If the letters BYOB are included on the invite, you aren’t going to a party with rich people. Variations on the letter B include beer, booze, beef and bitches. If it is the latter, you might want to skip the party and start looking for new friends.

All this aside, when rich people party they spare no expense and take care of every detail. An entire industry has been launched from the wallets and purses of the rich driven by their need to outdo the party at the forefront of A-list minds. These inspired games of one-upmanship lead to paid celebrity appearances, performances by top musicians, ice sculptures, champagne fountains, limo services, catering by the city’s best chefs and lavish gift bags featuring the latest must-have items. Why restrict yourself to a single party? If you want to celebrate in style, throw a simul-party (apparently we didn’t make up this word). The outrageously wealthy will organize same-day parties in multiple cities, on multiple continents and fly to them on their private jets. Paris Hilton loaded her closest friends into a Gulfstream and circumnavigated the globe on her 21st birthday including stops in New York, Las Vegas, London, Hollywood and Tokyo.

The opulence and extravagance of these fabulous parties begs the question why? Here are a few reasons, feel free to add you own. Everyone knows that rich people allude to their wealth but never reveal their net worth. Parties keep people guessing and spark discussion; the more extravagant, the more you are worth or so the logic goes. Next, rich people love to impress by hosting the perfect evening. Parties showcase their class, culture, thoughtfulness, creativity and the ability to hire the perfect planner. Finally, the rich worry that nobody will show up and the caviar will spoil; a great party is a guarantee that you’ll never run short of sycophants. This isn’t unique to the rich. Admit it, you’ve sat at home waiting for people to arrive, nervously passing time boozing or gulping Jell-o shots until guests start arriving or you have passed out on the floor. The rich are the same, except they pop champagne and snort lines in the pool house. Either way, score an invite to one of these fab soirees and you could be watching the Jonas Brothers at a private party in the Hills. On second thought, pass the Jell-o and a bucket!

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