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#59 - Being Condescending

#59 - Being Condescending

Being Condescending
Price: Nobody Likes You

Imagine being engaged in conversation with a relative stranger. You mention that you are taking a trip or going back to school. Now imagine that the person you are speaking with tells you they only stay at 5 star resorts, never fly economy or that unless you are attending Harvard you’ll be wasting your time. Given that you are staying at a Holiday Inn, travelling by bus and attending state you are likely thinking, “what a dick!” You aren’t wrong; rich people are condescending!

For most people a conversation like this is a disaster but like rich people say, when life gives you lemons have your chef make lemonade. A common response to condescending rich people is to blush and mumble about how nice that sounds. At the other end of the etiquette spectrum is abruptly ending the conversation with a few choice four letter words. While both are options, it is much more fun to play the one-upmanship game. Here’s how it works; they say 5 star, you say 5 diamond. They say Harvard, you prefer the London School of Economics. They won’t fly economy, trump first class by asking if they own a private jet. While this doesn’t immediately seem like a suitable tactic to forge friendships you will be surprised how effective piquing their interest can be.

A little mystery can go a long way when engaging in one-upping, so tread softly. You will want to verse yourself in the finer things in life. Conversational knowledge of Bugatti automobiles, French Chateaus, armored vehicles and private islands will provide ample material for sparring with your conceited adversary. An important point to remember, never lie about partaking in such luxuries. Alluding to enjoying the lifestyle is much more effective and keeps the sharks from smelling weakness. While you don’t want to be known as the jackass that fabricates stories about climbing Everest without oxygen or setting free dive depth records, it is perfectly acceptable to showcase your knowledge of pampered wealth. Finally, this knowledge is like achieving a black belt in martial arts; only use it in self-defense. With a little training you will be as lethal as Bruce Lee and as debonair as James Bond.

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#55 - Scorning New Money

#55 - Scorning New Money

Scorning New Money
Price: Rich Grandparents

To most, someone with stacks of Ben Franklins is wealthy and money is money but for rich people there is ‘old money’ and there is ‘new money’. Old money smells like rich mahogany, leather bound books and has always had money while new money went to public school, didn’t have a nanny and clawed their way out of a tortuous middle class upbringing. As far as real rich people are concerned, the nouveaux riche are classless underlings and second class citizens. In fact, old money would rather spend time with their chauffeurs and gardeners than invite a pastel-wearing, Lamborghini driving, loud-mouthed, hedge fund millionaire into their home when the only thing they have in common is their bank balance.

If you intend to befriend the wealthy you must become adept at recognizing the telltale signs of generational wealth vs. the self-made man. Old money is proper, cultured and knows things like when to wear seersucker. Both groups own luxury vehicles but new money opts for aftermarket ‘spinner’ rims and bright colors. Old money would rather wear white after Labor Day than be seen in a yellow Ferrari. Essentially, old money is conservative while new money flaunts their wealth with public displays of opulence.

It is imperative that you choose sides; with whom will you ingratiate yourself? Do you opt for smoking cigars surrounded by hooker-hot blondes on the city’s most popular patios or for lounging in a private library with snifters of Brandy discussing the Fed’s monetary policy? What about ringside seats at UFC in Vegas or is the loge for Bizet’s Carmen more your style? Just as all US citizens are either Republican or anti-American, rich people are new money or old but never both; neither is wrong but they don’t agree on anything. I take that back, both are repulsed by poor people and believe white pants are stylish for men.

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#52 - Range Rover

#52 - Range Rover

2009 Range Rover
Price: $114,300

Rich people love Range Rover. They hold a privileged place in the heart of the wealthy by coupling the social presence of a Maserati with the convenience of a minivan, which they would never drive. The spaciousness of the vehicle is an important factor in deciding to domesticate the family garage. With over 74 cubic feet of loadspace volume and a towing capacity of nearly 8,000 lbs, it is the perfect vehicle to carry one’s Hermès or Bottega purse on the front seat.

It is ironic that rich people like Range Rover because they hate to get dirty. In fact, you will find more bottles of hand sanitizer and alcohol wipes in a Range Rover than the nurses station in an Intensive Care Unit. The rich are so obsessive about sanitizing and sterilizing that if you see dust defacing one of these luxury automobiles, expect that “the help” is getting fired; you can imagine the consequences of finding mud! Knowing that Range Rovers aren’t driven for their off-road prowess and that the nanny isn’t toting the children around in the family SUV there are only two explanations; Range Rovers are an elite status symbol or the rich think they need to be safer than the lower classes! Good news, you’re both right!

Range Rover is the only vehicle to hold royal warrants at Blenheim Palace (status…check!) and they boast safety features like driver’s side knee air bag, parking aid and a radio-frequency keyset with rolling codes (safety…check!). The rich can rest assured that they couldn’t be safer driving from their home in their gated community to the yoga studio in their gated community. In the event that you encounter a rich person during a particularly inclement day, take the opportunity to comment on the poor roads and ask how they managed in such conditions? This provides them the opportunity to empathize with you and suggest that they weren’t sure their 20 inch wheels, Terrain Response System and self-adjusting suspension would get them there in one piece. Refrain from rolling your eyes and take solace knowing that they have never driven a lemon and believe that driving themselves is roughing it. After all, even their driver needs a day off once in a while.

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#26 - Driving Gloves

#26 - Driving Gloves

Moreschi Monza Driving Gloves
Price: $395

Rich people love exotic automobiles so it should come as no surprise that rich people love driving gloves. Driving gloves are extremely recognizable and therefore an easy means to forge friendships with the wealthy and to identify you as a compatriot of the cultured. Driving gloves have four identifying characteristics; leather construction, holes at the knuckles, snap wrist closures and ownership by drivers who believe 150 km/h is a moderate pace! Driving glove owners are most certainly automobile aficionados who, as an example, will wax poetic about the Ferrari 250 GT SWB as the last true GT and discuss Pininfarina styling with such passion you would be forgiven the belief that such discourse could supplant their need for Viagra, if only their wife loved cars.

As they say, if you don’t know the past, you don’t know the present and therefore the future. Driving gloves were originally conceived to counter unreliable heaters, ungraspable steering wheels and adrenaline fueled sweaty palms. While these may have been problems in classic automobiles, two of these issues have gone the way of the dodo, while the third has been relegated to first dates, interviews and hedge fund audits. Despite technological advances inside the car, social progression of vehicular couture is slower and as such there remains a place in every enthusiast’s wardrobe for Moreschi Monza driving gloves.

To make friends, focus on the the crux of the driving glove debate, color choice. This is where you can put yourself in the social driver’s seat. The rich can spend hours discussing the merits of aligning glove color with the interior appointments of their Bugatti Veyron versus matching to their Loro Piana jacket and Zegna trousers. This high brow debate will be spirited and if you want to blow their minds ask why one would stray from a single pair as performance favors consistency. You will receive a hearty “hear hear!” and the altercation will conclude with a gentleman’s agreement to disagree. The lesser B-type of the group, likely nicknamed “Big Pussy” since boarding school, will offer to buy a conciliatory round of 40-year old Macallans and you will be discussing summer homes in Montauk and the merits of live-in nannies faster than you can say Barrett-Jackson Classic Car Auction!

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#9 - Bugatti Grand Touring Automobiles

#9 - Bugatti Grand Touring Automobiles

Veyron FBG Par Hermès
Price: $2,300,000

Rich people love Bugatti Veyron automobiles. These incredible machines make a Lamborghini look like a rusted out VW van that your daughter’s future ex-boyfriend drives. Bugattis are among the most exclusive cars that money can buy. Only 300 Veyron cars will be constructed and special models like the FBG Par Hermès are so elite that only 5 will be built.

Verse yourself on the finer details of  Bugatti and you will have plenty to discuss with your wealthy counterparts. All Bugatti Veyrons are hand assembled by eight craftsmen in a gorgeous Gunter Henn designed facility in Molsheim, Alsace over three weeks and many owners visit the factory to attain their newly-crafted luxury automobile. Technically, the cars are unrivalled. A maximum speed of 408.47km/h made possible by a 16 cylinder, 8L engine that generates 1,001 HP. As a comparison, Formula 1 racecars churn out 700-800 HP! More impressive than their raw power is acceleration from 0-100 km/h in 2.5 seconds and back to a standstill within 2.3 seconds. This is made possible by titanium, carbon, magnesium, and aluminum construction and three drive configurations to facilitate top speed.

Bugatti pampers their wealthy clients with a rich host of extras including GPS, Bluetooth, rear-view mirror LED display, a Burmester sound system, and an exclusive Bugatti PDA to track lap times, tire pressure, gas consumption and key telemetry data. The five select Veyron Hermès customers will also receive a bespoke suitcase designed to fit in the vehicle’s storage area.

Do not wait to arrange for your own, on March 10, 2009 the company announced that the 200th Bugatti Veyron left the factory for a customer in the Middle East. Coincidentally, it was the über exclusive FBG Hermès model. The owner joins the company of Simon Cowell, Tom Cruise, Ralph Lauren, Tim Cahill, Nigo and Thomas Bscher as rumored Bugatti Veyron owners. With this kind of success, Bugatti is unlikely to follow their parent company’s lead with a “Surprisingly Ordinary Prices” advertising campaign in the foreseeable future. Imagine that…”Das Car” is a Volkswagen!

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