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Archive for October, 2009

#63 - Pool Boys

#63 - Pool Boys

Pool Boys
Price: Frequent Visitors

Everyone knows that rich people love trophy wives and private nurses. These wealthy playthings only cater to half the world’s wealth and ignore the indulgences of the fairer sex. Unlike men who believe that a pleasurable pastime is chasing a small white ball across acres of manicured grass, women have a much more sensible view of how to spend a hot summer day; lounging around a pool with their favorite accoutrement, the pool boy.

To the untrained bystander, it may appear that cabana boys are little more than well oiled, finely chiseled pieces of tanned eye candy but that is only half the story. The fact of the matter is that these young men perform the duty of ensuring that the woman of the house and her circle of close friends want for nothing as they enjoy the spoils of the good life. While it may seem that these brawny boy toys are a dime a dozen it is demanding work that requires a plethora of skills to keep the misses happy. One must obviously be in top physical condition, exhibit blender mastery, be versed in SPF selection, show an aptitude in umbrella placement, have an excellent grasp of chemistry to ensure the pH level in the pool is a stable seven point two…all while wearing a uniform that would make an Olympic swimmer blush.

The question that remains, how does this help you make friends with the wealthy? If you are blessed with the body of a Greek God, the answer is simple, develop your sunscreen application prowess. If this isn’t the case, you should figure out how to develop the body of a Greek God regardless of your Hawaiian Tropic technique. Of course, if you were born a woman the solution is simpler; introduce a man with a perfect smile and pectorals like an Abercrombie model to the wealthiest woman you know and tag along for the frivolity. At the very least you’ll enjoy a summer of slushy drinks, terrific scenery and overdose on Vitamin D. Just remember, bring your sunglasses as it is gauche to stare!

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#62 - Private Nurse

#62 - Private Nurse

Private Nurse
Price: The Children’s Inheritance

One’s twilight years signal that it is time for wealthy octogenarians to receive sponge baths from beautiful young women. While some eccentric millionaires are comfortable philandering with busty, twenty year old blondes, for most this isn’t an option considering the high level of interest these women show in grandpa’s offshore accounts. The only way that it is possible to legally enjoy the company of a young woman, without friends, family and the nosy neighbor passing judgment, is to hire a private nurse. For an elderly gentleman, the real beauty is that few people can protest the extra care unless the nurse starts driving a Bentley and sporting Moss Lipow sunglasses. Typically, the only fallout is the family’s distasteful glances and under-the-breath muttering directed towards Nurse Betty.

While all adolescent boys and most grown men harbor fantasies about their own private nurse, there is a strict look but don’t touch policy among the wealthy. Just as rich people would never fondle the Picasso or Monet in their study, flirtatious advances can be equally costly. Furthermore, by the time a private nurse is in the company the rich, the men have swallowed so much Viagra it is unlikely that they could pitch a pup tent even if their caregiver gave the green light. So what is the appeal?

For rich, saggy, old men with ascots, smoking jackets and top-of-the-line wheelchairs, private nurses are akin to a beauty pageant for the wealthy. Each man attempts to outdo his colleagues with the overwhelming beauty of his private nurse; it is a testimonial to their success like wearing a Patek or riding in a Maybach. Spend an afternoon at the club when old-timers gather for canasta, gin rummy and bridge; you will see a bevy of well-appointed women tending to each man’s every need, most notably their ego. At first glance, this may seem like a highly unappealing way for a woman to squander a top-notch education in nursing. Considering they receive a healthy six figure salary, live in a stately mansion and now deal with one patient rather than dozens, the work has its upside. Add to this the possibility of becoming a beneficiary in the will and it becomes the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down…so long as she doesn’t have to!

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